Six reflections on pregnancy and the newborn days from this "poor little heady"

My friend's husband has this phrase he uses for her when she's over-analyzed something or honed in on a detail that no one else would notice or just thought too deeply about something that others would gloss over. "Poor Little Heady." I wish you could see the silly way he strokes her hair and looks at her when he says it. It's pretty adorable and pretty true most of the time.

But I have to admit there have been times when (after picking up this phrase from our friend) my husband has used it to describe me. And this blog post might have an element of "poor little heady."

Below are six brief reflections on my pregnancy and my early days as a mom. And while I mean every word, I don't want you to think I'm taking any of these too seriously. I am not saying any of these things made me a good or bad mom or that they made any material difference to anyone but me. Because, after all, sometimes I can have a poor little heady that thinks about things..., well, just because it's always thinking about things.

Three things I'm glad I did when I was pregnant (you know aside from the serious things like eating right and avoiding skydiving):

• Sing. Not only that, but I'm glad I sang the same song. My husband read in the Brain Rules for Babies that songs babies hear often in the womb sound familiar to them even after they are born. So I wanted to pick the perfect song for him to remember. One that I would not get tired of singing. One that had lyrics about God and love. Based on my introduction, you shouldn't be surprised to know that I actually put a lot of thought into this. I picked just one song to sing because music is really important to me -- at the time I was singing on the praise team at my church -- and it's always around me. I thought that since he would be hearing so many different songs, I wanted one to stand out. I picked what I call the campfire version of Jesus Loves Me/Amazing Grace, which I come to learn is Paul Colman's Medley of Amazing Grace and Jesus Loves Me. It's a beautiful, lyrical version, and I continued to sing it after he was born. It was one of the songs that comforted him in his early life. There were times when I sang it and I could swear there was a look of recognition on his face (kind of like a tiny, pleasant double take). I'm sure the look of recognition was my imagination, but it still made me happy to know we had been bonding with that song since he was in the womb.
• Pregnancy Journal. My husband and I waited almost 10 years before we started trying to get pregnant. I had no idea how the pregnancy would go because I had some health issues (that actually miraculously got better with the pregnancy). I was already 33 when we got pregnant. I just had the sense that, "I'm not sure if I will ever get to do this again," so I wanted to take time to reflect and to have a way to remember. Though my reasons were serious and sweet, the journal I chose was lighthearted and silly. It's called The Belly Book, and though there are places to record serious reflections, it also includes questions such as, "When you were in the womb, I thought you were: ___ a girl, ___ a boy, ___ a boxer. The funny little questions helped get my journaling juices flowing. There are places for pictures of the growing belly, places to record stats from the doctor visits and more. I love that I have that keepsake of such as special time.
• Cord Blood Banking. I hope we never need it, but I am glad that we did it. If you are considering it, just remember to order the free kit well before you think you'll need it, so your blood pressure doesn't go up with the thought, "Oh no, what if he/she is early, and I haven't done this yet." Not that I'm speaking from experience...no...I've just heard that can sometimes happen...

Three things I wish I had done when Gavin was tiny:

• More skin-to-skin. Everyone from doctors to granola mamas cite the benefits of skin-to-skin contact between mom and baby, as well as dad and baby. I was excited about this extra way to bond. Both Josh and I had skin-to-skin time with him when he was a newborn before and during that first nursing session. I also did it a few other times (like when he had wet his clothes and it was getting too close to feeding time for me to fuss with putting new clothes on him right away or when I got out of the shower just in time and nursed him in my robe) but, frankly, since it was winter (and I am cold-natured) and since I was a new mom (and pretty overwhelmed with the clip at which that little guy needed food) and since I was still healing (from delivering his darling little head that was turned the wrong direction), I have to admit: at the time, the thought of adding one more step by undressing him and/or me was just a little more than I wanted to do. Still, I wish I had done it a few more times. Not because I don't feel that we are plenty bonded and not because I think there is something in his development that is lacking, but just because he was only tiny once, and those times we were skin-to-skin were pretty special.
• Sign up for Huggies and Pampers rewards. Okay, this is silly, but true. Now that I am collecting points for ALL the diapers and wipes that we use, I am thinking of ALLLLLL the points I threw away. Again, not that I really could have added one more thing to my plate in those early days, but it sure would have been nice to have saved them to enter later...
• Floss my teeth every day (like I used to). This may sound silly or nerdy, but I am dead serious about this one. After Gavin was born, it was definitely one of the things I let go. But if someone had told me that at that next dentist appointment after delivery, the dentist would discover my first-ever cavity which would be followed by my first-ever root canal, I would have stayed up the extra minute to take care of it. When they discovered it, I told my boss, and she said, "Oh yeah, I should have thought to tell you that the baby can steal your calcium and make you more vulnerable to stuff like that." The cavity had extra opportunity to grow undetected since pregnant women can't have X-rays. Now, the root canal wasn't actually that bad -- I was as shocked as anyone. It was more the idea that, for so long, I had all of my teeth, and then I had to say goodbye to one of them. It was actually very sad. See what I mean...Poor Little Heady...

Wonders and Woes

We just came back from Gavin's first trip to the library for toddler story time. Appropriately, the story time consisted of one story, several active songs and rhymes, puppets and a very energetic and fun story/song leader.

We had a great time. Gavin tends to be mesmerized by music anyway. Add to that a room full of mostly older toddlers and their mommies, daddies and grandmas singing and dancing, and you can imagine: it took him awhile to relax.

They started with "The More We Get Together," which Gavin and I have sung many times while reading the Caroline Jayne Church illustrated book of the same title. We also did "The Ants Go Marching One by One," which Gavin and I sang for the first time earlier that morning thanks to our toddler station on Pandora.

Once Gavin got relaxed enough to do something besides stare wide-eyed, he enjoyed dancing with mommy, dancing on his knees while watching the other kids and parents and, eventually, crawling toward the other kids.

As I mentioned, it was mostly older toddlers. It just gave me a glimpse and a listen (in surround-sound stereo) of what we are in for. The wonders and woes of true toddlerhood. The wonders of their sense of humor, their long-term memory and their pure joy of discovering something new, which are all more developed and more intense than Gavin's at this stage. It seems like those developments are really far away, but many of these kids were not that much older than Gavin, so I know they are coming sooner than I think.

After story time, everyone went from the little meeting room to the children's book area where they had coloring sheets and puzzles. There, the woes of toddlerhood became much more evident. I was surprised by how more than one three-year-old tried to hit or grab something from my (tiny) baby. Okay, he's a tall 13-month-old, but still. After one such incident of pushing by the older child, a sweet, well-meaning grandma corrected me when I gently took a puzzle piece from Gavin and gave it back to the three-year-old that was playing with it. She said that her grandson "needs to learn to share." A true statement, but not on my baby he doesn't. Grin. We'll come back after he's practiced a couple times on someone his own size.


It's not like I've never observed a toddler before. Though the fact that I am taking the time to record such simple observations may lead you to believe otherwise, I've spent many, many hours teaching that age in childcare centers and church nurseries. It just seems that raising a child is so mind-consuming that my memories of those days have faded to somewhere far in the background. It makes sense -- I need all my up-front brain space for "How do I convince him that morning does not start at 5:20?" "How many rice puffs has he had today?" "Now, what do I need at this, my fifth trip to Target in four days?" I'm convinced the same thing will happen with all of my adamant intentions of being an understanding, fair, empathetic, and maybe somewhat cool parent of a teenager. I won't be able to recall those plans let alone implement them when I'm done with potty training, first day of school, soccer teams, riding a bike, first sleepover and all the et ceteras that I cannot even imagine. I also know that the opportunity to reflect on these toddlers comes because I am seeing everything through new eyes now. Wide eyes. Mommy-of-a-baby eyes.

Overall, it was a really fun time for both of us. In fact, it made my day. I've been wanting to let him be around kids his own age on a more regular basis, which has been harder than I thought it would be. It was very stimulating for Gavin -- both during and after the story time. And it's possible that my eyes were glossy as I watched him recognize songs we've sung at home and try out new things. Something tells me we'll be doing that again.

Words and would-be words

I told Josh, "From now on, when I say, 'Gavin said ____,' you'll know I mean it sounded like he said it or he was copying me, not necessarily that he knew what he was doing or that he will say it again anytime soon." And then he did start saying certain things consistently. It's all happening so fast that I feel compelled to record it.

Gavin's Words (He meant to say it and says it consistently.)
Ball (Ba)
Dog (Da)
Daddy (Daddy) -- Today he said, "Hi Da!"
Mama (Mama)
Uh-oh (Just such a perfect uh-oh)
Pear and Bread both sound like (Prrreh)
Puffs (Pfs)
Picture (Pah) - He loves looking at photos of friends and family
Puzzles (Pzz or Pah)
There she is -- referring most often to our dog, Millie (da dereee - it's more the inflection that sounds exactly like it)
Gotcha (Ga or Da)
No (sigh...at least it's not said defiantly yet...)
Cup (Cuh)
Car (Cah)
Down (Da)
Up (Uh or Up)
Play (He's just starting to say this, so it's hard to describe it because I haven't heard it enough)
Chair (Cha)
Broccoli (Bra)
Socks (sometimes he reverses the k and s sounds, sometimes it's very close)

Gavin's Would-Be Words (He mimics the sounds - most of them we've only heard once, so it's hard to write exactly how it sounded, but they are still fun.)
Thank you (Da Do)
Little Pooh (as in Bear)
Little Book
Yeah
Eye
Rock (Rah)

My first (sort of) guest bloggers talk about nursing

My last post was on nursing and prompted some discussion among some of my friends and family who have also struggled with breastfeeding. I find their experiences inspiring and their commitment to providing what breast milk they can/could encouraging. They enthusiastically gave me permission to share their stories.

Before I get to their stories, I wanted to list a few resources, so they don't get lost at the end. My post called, "Oh, the places I've pumped (and other nursing adventures)" has some resources listed about breastfeeding and can be found by clicking http://21lovetags.blogspot.com/2012/01/oh-places-ive-pumped-and-other-nursing.html. It also has my story and was the starting place for this post.

Here are some other resources that I thought might be important based on my guest bloggers' experiences -- they want you to have all the resources possible to help with whatever breastfeeding trials you might encounter:

• Why are/were my guest bloggers so committed to breastfeeding and/or providing breast milk? I'm sure they would all cite different reasons, but here is a short article that pulls out some of the main ones that many people consider. There are also links to many articles and websites at the bottom of the page. The article can be found at: www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeeding/why-breastfeeding-is-important/
• As NG mentions (which I never knew!), some women can have a problem storing milk based on hormone levels. Here is an article that provides research and resources on that: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/pumping/lipase-expressedmilk.html
• JM talks about inverted nipples in her touching and humorous post/article below. Here is one of several articles cited on kellymom.com that can be found on the topic: http://www.motherandchildhealth.com/Breastfeeding/Becky/inverted.html

Final thoughts before we get to the stories: I hope this post provides the encouragement it was designed to -- these stories of charting new paths through treacherous territory are supposed to draw attention to the "new paths" not the "treacherous territory." Certainly, everyone's experience is different, and many women don't encounter the trials found in my story or those below.

I also hope that no one who reads this blog experiences any shame about breastfeeding -- no matter what your experience is or may have been. As women, let's keep speaking up and speaking out to provide each other the help we need to make it on this rewarding and exhausting journey called motherhood, an often mystifying blend of art and science. Hearts out and hats off to you all!

NW’s nursing story

I'm still very new at all this and kind of feel like a fish out of water, but I'm open to sharing my experience.

I went into this with the idea that I would give breastfeeding a try and if it worked, it worked; if not, no big deal. So I was pretty shocked at how disappointed I was when it wasn't working and we were told to supplement because my little guy was not gaining weight. I felt like I was a complete failure and that I was starving my child.

Even though he nursed 15 minutes on each side and showed no signs of hunger, he was only gaining an ounce or two a week and rarely having a poopy diaper. The doctor deduced that he was getting just enough to not be hungry, but not enough to be full, and that he couldn't/wouldn't work hard enough to get much milk out. We decided he defiantly got the lazy gene from my side of the family. I think he also had a bad/shallow latch because it was pretty painful for me. I never could get him to get his mouth very wide open. He has a bit of an recessed chin, so I don't really even know if it was physically possible for him to open his mouth any wider. All the lactation consultants we saw were completely useless. 

I gave up trying to feed him from the breast after two weeks because in addition to him not gaining weight, neither of us were enjoying it, and my stress level was through the roof. However, I decided to exclusively pump for a year or as long as I'm able to produce milk. After I switched to pumping and bottle feeding him so that I could tell just how much he was getting, he gained 10 ounces in one week and had regular poopy diapers.

Before I finally made the decision to pump and bottle feed, I felt that I was being selfish by insisting on breastfeeding when it wasn't working for him. No one really ever told me there was another option besides formula. I'm not one of those women who thinks that formula is the devil; obviously, I know lots of kiddos that were fed formula that turned out wonderfully (my sweet niece and nephew being two of them!), so I don't know why I have such an overwhelming insistence on providing breast milk – especially since formula would be so much easier. But as for now – three weeks in – I’m going to try doing the pumping thing. I pump every two hours and he eats every three, so pretty much every hour on the hour I'm either pumping, feeding him (or sometimes both at the same time), or sleeping! Don't know how long I'll be able to keep that up for, but I'm going to give it a go!

I know it's not 'technically' breastfeeding, but I think it's important for women out there to know there's another option besides formula if breastfeeding doesn't work out. It's time consuming and at times restricting (I'm pumping 10 times a day to establish my supply, so it's hard to get anything done/go anywhere between his feeding schedule and my pumping schedule). At times I think about how much easier it would be just to use formula, but I'm stubborn and decided this is what I wanted to do, so it's what I'm going to do.

NG's nursing story

I wish there was more information on the problems some moms have nursing. Nursing is not always as easy as some people would have you believe. I spent many hours crying because I wanted it to work so badly for both my boys. I would have given anything to have enough milk. I loved the bonding. But it was emotionally and physically draining to have my babies crying 20 minutes later because they were starving! So—committed to giving them as much breast milk as possible—I pumped, oh the places I have pumped and for only 2 - 3 ounces TOTAL!

To top it off, I recently had to throw more than 50 ounces of milk away that I had stored up because it went rancid in the freezer. Apparently some women have an overproduction of a hormone that makes the milk bad once frozen! So, on top of not having enough milk, the milk I did freeze was bad! Since I couldn't pump enough for a full feeding, I froze the milk I pumped at night and formula fed the night feeding in the hopes my little guy would sleep longer! It took me forever to store up enough milk to freeze...three nights of pumping to freeze one bag of milk! It was heartbreaking. It is very inspirational to see others sticking it out through trying times, too!

JM's nursing story

Just to ease any "mommy guilt" for those who find they cannot successfully nurse—I couldn't, and though I grieved about missing the experience, my two teenagers are happy, healthy, totally well-adjusted youngsters who don't care that they had to settle for pumped  breast milk and formula. I wrote about my experience for a magazine called "Get Born" (since defunct). It was a total shock to me that breastfeeding doesn't always work, so I'm glad there is more info out there to prepare new moms now.

Unfulfilled

By Jeanette Minnich

                The title of the book caught my eye, "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding."  I felt an urge to pick it up, to see if it contained the secret that I didn't know--that would have changed my life.  But I didn't pick it up because it would be pointless.  My kids are 10 and 12 now.  It's too late--and anyway, I've come to terms with my inability to breastfeed.

                Right.

                I've always been what is described as "well endowed."  Most of the time, I've been happy about this--except when the fashion of the day favored the flatter chested.  I naively assumed that one day, these ample breasts would be ready for the hungry mouth of a suckling babe.  I envisioned myself, Madonna-like with a lovely baby snuggled in my arms, the lights low, the edges blurred, classical music playing in the background.  As my first pregnancy progressed, I bought the rocking chair where we would sit at night, fulfilling my fantasy...

                My first inkling of danger came during one of the last pregnancy classes, when the instructor made an off-hand remark about inverted  or retracting nipples.  These conditions might make it difficult to breast feed, she commented, before telling us how to see if we had one of these conditions. 

                At home that night, I squeezed one of my nipples.  Horrified, I watched it totally flatten out--there would be nothing there for the baby to latch on to!  In a panic, I called my instructor and she reassured me that I could wear plastic devices that would draw my nipples out, solving the problem.  Praise the Lord, we have the technology!

                So, during my last few weeks of pregnancy, I walked around feeling like one of the Valkyries, with impenetrable breast shields standing erect in front of me.  I tried not to bump into anyone, lest I injure them.  Did I mention that my already ample breasts had grown to roughly the size of watermelons?  They had lethal potential.

                My first child finally arrived (ten days late), and I confidently announced to the nursing staff that I planned to breastfeed.  They woke me up every few hours and watched me struggle to get my daughter to latch.  I was awkward, and so hot and sweaty, and just not able to do what I thought would come naturally.  Finally a nurse suggested that if I wanted to be sure my baby was getting adequate nourishment, maybe I should supplement with some formula?  Disappointed, but fearful of starving my hungry child, I agreed.

                The next few weeks were torture.  I tried and tried to breastfeed.  I had a La Leche coach come to help, and I called all my experienced Mommy-friends. They all advised patience and practice.   I think my daughter successfully latched a total of two times. Meanwhile my breasts became engorged, my nipples cracked and bled.  The pregnancy class teacher had said nothing about breast pumps, assuming we could address this as a "returning to work" subject.  I had to send my husband out on an emergency run to buy a breast pump and some beer (I was told it would help with the engorgement).  I overcame my humiliation and rubbed something called "Bag Balm" on my nipples, feeling a new sense of empathy for all the dairy cows of the world.  Nothing worked.

                I learned to pump, and fed my baby breast milk from a bottle.  My fantasies of breastfeeding were overcome by the nightmare of breastfeeding--trying to discreetly feed a baby in a public place while silently crying with pain a friend described as "enough to curl your toes."  Within a month, I gave up the effort.  I started to recognize some of the benefits of the bottle.  First, it didn't hurt.  Second, my husband could share the arduous feeding schedule.  Third, since the baby was still drinking breast milk, I was fulfilling my mission of building her immune system.  Finally, it made it easier to return to work when my six-week maternity leave was over.

                Still, some niggling part of me grieved over missing the experience.  I talked to friends who told me that bottle feeding at the hospital had sabotaged my efforts.  The baby wouldn't have starved if I'd held out and demanded that the nurses let me breastfeed.  I listened doubtfully.  I was sure my failure reflected deeper flaws with me--my anatomy, my lack of determination, my cowardice--because any "real woman" can breastfeed.

                I faithfully pumped and fed my daughter breast milk for 6 months.  Eighteen months after her birth, I gave birth to a son.  This time I would show the nurses who was in charge--and since I only had to stay in the hospital one day, I could work on my technique without so much pressure.  Surely it would be different this time.

                Again I tried to breastfeed, and again I failed.  We had to move when my son was four months old, so I sold my breast pump and switched to formula.  I convinced myself that it was best for all involved--and my children have grown up happy and healthy.  Of course, they know nothing and would care even less about my breastfeeding struggles. 

                Over the years, I've realized that I'm a good mother and a good woman,  in spite of my retracting nipples (which, ironically, still harbor a drop or two of milk).  I've moved on and gotten past my disappointment...except when I catch sight of a mother breastfeeding, Madonna-like, with classical music playing in the background.

Oh, the places I've pumped! (and other nursing adventures)

Nursing for me has been, as the title suggests, an adventure. Part Lord of the Rings, part Dr. Seuss. (And guys, don't be intrigued by the analogy: these are my no-holds-barred reflections on nursing, that you probably don't really want to read. You've been warned!)

Part Lord of the Rings: the commitment of knowing you are doing the best you can for the greater good (baby's health), the treachery of obstacles and enemies (sore nipples, plugged ducts, baby deciding at 5.5 months that he does not want to be in any of the nursing positions...for several weeks), the thrill of success (like at 3.5 months when it became comfortable and easy or at 4 months when everything got faster and more efficient or at a year when I've met my goal in spite of many thoughts of quitting).

Part Dr Seuss: Oh the places I've pumped...a silly list that I will get to at the end. Or just skip the gory details and read the funny list.

My nursing adventure has been a  blessing--one of my most heartfelt and earnest prayers while pregnant was that I would be able to nurse--but it has not been easy. I tell my story to encourage, not discourage. To say I feel for the many moms who have struggled with or are struggling with this. I am so thankful to the Lord to have made it this far. If you are considering nursing, my story won't lull you into a blissful dream world. Many women DO have a dream world experience, and I hope you do, too. If you are nursing and run into one of many potential obstacles, I hope my story inspires you to keep going, to seek the help that's out there, to remind you someone in this great big world has been there.

My story starts with a sweet eight-pounder that loves to eat. He caught on quickly to nursing. During our first nursing session, we did skin to skin. It was beautiful, awkward, exciting with a twist of anxiety and a dose of joy.

That beautiful and exciting introduction opens to the rest of the story (best arranged topically, rather than chronologically):

The super suck (pun intended) aka sore nipples: Though our Lamaze class told me to, I did not insist on a good latch on one side during that first nursing session. Naive first-time mom--I thought he must be so hungry that I did not want to break the latch to reset him (silly), so I started out very sore on one side and somewhat sore on the other.

Our lactation consultant at the hospital was very helpful. We practiced a couple holds, and she helped me adjust his latch. It was obvious that he was able to get a lot more milk that way, and he became even more interested. Though everyone said that nursing is not supposed to hurt, I struggled with soreness. My ob/gyn said that she experienced a few seconds of soreness each time her son latched on for the first two weeks. I experienced soreness for the first few months.

Our hospital had a lactation support session twice a week, which was great. I went up there two or three times, so they could watch how Gavin was nursing and give me tips. They also weighed him before and after the nursing to see how much he was taking in. It was really helpful to get some pointers, but for the most part, they said he was latching on well. I decided that maybe he just had a really vigorous suck.

And then at about 3.5 months, I just kind of noticed, "Hey, this doesn't hurt anymore." It was great!

A faster let-down is not a let-down: At about 4 months, my let-down reflex got more efficient and nursing got a lot faster. I had no idea to expect that, and I thought that he was pulling away because there wasn't enough milk in there. My friend whose daughter is 3 months older said she had the same experience and then learned that the let-down reflex had gotten more efficient. That shed a lot of light on the subject!

Bubbles are trouble: Our little guy has always had trouble getting the burps out, and they have been very disruptive to his eating and his happiness. When he was tiny and still pretty stationary (1-5 months) we would work and work to get those burps out. When his second word after "Da-Da" was "burp," we realized we must have been pretty vocal in our coaching. The many techniques that we picked up are for another blog post, but here I want to focus on how it affected nursing.

That first night, we were settled in our room in the hospital. I was nursing him for probably the third time of his little life. He would start to suck and then turn away. He had been giving hunger cues, so I asked a nurse to come in and help me. She wasn't a lactation consultant, but we were blessed that our hospital was "breastfeeding certified," so everyone was very helpful and supportive. Anyway, when she saw what he was doing, she picked him up, burped him, and gave him back to me. He drank beautifully. So thankful for her! An aha moment.

In addition to burps, Gavin also always had a problem with spitting up. The books and the docs said that if it wasn't bothering him, it was okay, and that some babies spit up more than others, but as long as he was gaining weight and happy, there was nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, at about 5 months, it started to bother him. He would tense up or wince when he burped. The doctor said that the acid coming up was hurting him. He would often be very fussy when nursing, but less so with a bottle of breast milk. We tried probiotics (Baby Jarrodophilos), various feeding positions, a stiffer nursing pillow ("My Brest Friend" instead of "Boppy") and other tactics, and it kept getting worse. He would want to nurse, but then jerk away. It was pretty awful. We moved to Baby Zantac and then Baby Prevacid--still barely a difference.

The refusal to nurse peaked when Gavin was 6 months and my husband was in London for 10 days. So there I was, by myself with a hungry, uncomfortable, crying baby. At that point, my milk supply was very plentiful and the fact that he did not want to eat created real problems for me. When he wouldn't eat from me, I would get a bottle of expressed milk from the refrigerator, feed him and then try to occupy him in the exersaucer or with toys while I pumped. I was so blessed that my sister lived close and my mom was always willing to drive over and help, so sometimes, they would play with him while I pumped. Eventually, I just quit trying to nurse him during the midday feedings, and instead, I pumped while he was napping and then gave him the bottle of expressed milk. I didn't want to do it that way, but it was better getting stuck with full boobies and a hungry baby while trying to make a bottle and pump.

At the time I wasn't sure if it was an option for babies, but I told my doctor that the #1 thing that worked for my acid reflux was supplementing with digestive enzymes. Though she hadn't heard of that, she so kindly looked up a baby-safe digestive enzyme that she recommended to me (Transformation's Powdered Digestymes -- you can get them through www.pureformulas.com, which has great prices and free shipping). I was impressed at her client-centered professionalism--not always easy to find in the medical field. We started using them during a 12-day trip to Colorado, and by the end of the trip, we tried nursing during a midday feeding, and he did great!

The pump: What can I say about the pump? When I started this entry, I was just giving up the 10:30 pumping that I used to need to keep from getting too full overnight. Though I am so happy to see the pump go, I have to say, it's pretty amazing. Mine was hospital grade, and I could pump both sides at once hand-free. Since I knew I was going back to work and would have to pump multiple times each day, I went for the Cadillac model at the time (Medela Freestyle), of which my mom said, "That costs as much as a couch!" It was worth it.

In the early days with sore nipples, the pump gave me a break from his super suck. Later, it allowed me to keep giving him breast milk even though I had to go back to work (with a 45-minute commute, there was no "running over to nurse him"). It got me out of quite a few jams when Gavin refused to take from the breast, and it was a lifeline when we were trying to figure out his acid reflux.

However, it also (I believe) led to--or if not led to--exacerbated two problems: plugged ducts and oversupply. I do believe I probably would have had the first problem to some degree even without the pump. My milk seems really thick, and some people just have more problems with that than others. I did get them a couple times even when he was nursing from the breast (especially if he was sleepy). The plugged ducts caused me to very cautious that I pump until I was completely empty (using heat and massage to help with that). I think my vigilance sent a message to my body to make more milk, so I ended up with lots of milk. Sometimes on the weekends, I would have to pump after he ate because I had more milk than he needed. Toward the end of this post, I list some general breastfeeding resources, as well as help that I found for plugged ducts.


When I quit my full-time job to work from home part time as a consultant, my sister would still keep Gavin 2.5 days a week, and I would pump while he was with her. After he started taking from the breast again, I would go over there and nurse him. She lives close, so it was just as fast as setting up, using and washing the pump. It was at that point that my life became SO happy because my milk supply could finally take its cues from him, and it balanced out to meet his demand. Hallelujah!

Mix up - Milk down: When Gavin was 10.5 months, I switched pharmacies and when I asked them to transfer my birth control pills from the old pharmacy to the new, they transferred the real pill (that I was taking before we started trying to get pregnant) instead of the mini-pill that my doctor prescribed after I had Gavin. Why? I do not know, but since generics are usually subbed for the brand name, and the brand names are always getting discontinued or changing names, I didn't realize it. About two weeks after I started the new pack, my milk production started to decline -- it took longer to let down, and I could tell by the suck to swallow ratio and time on the breast that he wasn't getting as much. I assumed that it was because he was getting older and more interested in food and that as he nursed less and less, my body was responding.

He was 11 months old at this point. I was planning to start weaning at one year, so I was bummed that my milk was going down earlier. One of my concerns was that I wasn't sure how he would take formula, and I knew I couldn't give him cow's milk until he turned one year. We introduced the formula in a sippy cup after a 3pm feeding. He drank the first ounce so fast, I'm convinced that he did not taste it until he took the cup out of his mouth, and then he made a face like, "Ew, whoa!" He drank more, but he was not thrilled. I kept offering it throughout the feeding, and he would take sips. After two more days, he was great with it.

So after several days of it taking a very long time for my milk to let-down and of me having very little milk at the 3pm feeding, we dropped that one. It was hard because I was worried that he wouldn't adjust well emotionally. He was at my sister's that day by design (out of sight, out of mind), so I told her to give him extra cuddles. He did just fine. I was fine, too. I was sad that I wasn't able to completely meet my goal, but I did not mind the freedom of not going to my sister's to feed him at that time. It made me think that I could continue with the other three feedings for a lot longer after he turned one than I had originally thought.

So, thinking I was on the mini pill and wondering if I was nursing enough for the mini pill to be effective, I called my OB/GYN. She asked me the name of the pill and told me that they had given me the real pill. By this time, I was on week 3 of the pack, so she advised that I finish the pack, and then go back to the mini pill.

During this time, I kept pumping at 10pm (like I had been since he dropped that feeding way back when). I used to get 4 to 6 ounces at that pumping, and I was now only getting 1 to 3. Even though there was such little milk, I decided not to give the pumping up because I did not want the lack of demand to make my milk supply decrease further. Plus, that was a few more ounces I could mix with a little cereal before bed for extra nutrition. After I got on the mini pill, my milk increased slightly but not dramatically. A few days before his birthday, I dropped the 10pm pumping because it was messing up my ducts. I can't really explain it: they would get lumpy but not really clog. Due to my long and ugly history with plugged ducts, I didn't want to chance it, so after a few nights of that, I happily gave up the pumping. I was nervous about clogs from not doing it, but I just applied heat before bed, and it worked out fine. I was so thankful to the Lord.

A few weeks after he turned 1, we dropped the 11am feeding for the same reasons we dropped the 3pm. Now I was thinking, maybe I'll just keep these two feedings (6:30am and 6pm) for a long time. It wasn't cumbersome, and I think we both enjoyed the bonding.

Then...I got another plugged duct. I couldn't believe it at first, but then I realized I had missed a couple nights of taking my lecithin (see more on lecithin below). Ugh. At first I thought, that's it -- he's older than a year, and I'm ready to give this up. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized--even with the plugged duct--I wasn't ready to give up those last two feedings. I made up my mind to start and finish another pack of the mini pill, and then get on the real pill which would decrease my milk supply and likely lead to weaning over the next month of so.

And then today happened...I got mixed up on my times and ended up giving him solid foods before nursing at dinner time (6pm). Not ideal, but I thought--no big deal--we'll just nurse before cereal (7:30ish). During the meal, he kept reaching for me across the table and whimpering. We thought he wanted what was on my plate. Then after we cleaned him up and let him play, he continued whimpering and looking distressed. Then I thought that maybe he wanted to nurse. Sure enough, that was what he wanted. I thought that we would be able to drop the first and last feedings as easy as the two midday ones, but at least for now, I do not think that is the case. Those two are not hard on me, so I plan to continue as long as he's interested and probably reevaluate at 18 months.

If you have finished this entire post, my guess is you are looking for resources on nursing. I've heard a lot of people say that they thought it was supposed to be a natural thing, so when it wasn't working they decided it wasn't for them or suffered through with an uncomfortable condition. There are lots of resources out there, so if this is something that you want to do, I hope you will take advantage of them. Here are some I found helpful:

• www.kellymom.com - This website has answers to all kinds of questions: Is it safe? Latches and holds? Plugged ducts? Weaning? It was even recommended to me by the breastfeeding nurses at the hospital.
• Our Lamaze class and the book they gave us called Breastfeeding - It was all so foreign to me that I practically memorized the section on proper latching and positioning, and I referenced other parts many times.
• Your local hospital - I never went to a La Leche League, but my local hospital has a Lactation Support Class that I mentioned above and also a Q&A phone service open during business hours. I probably wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for them.

I also wanted to share what helped me when dealing with plugged ducts. I know most people do not have as big of a problem with it as I did/do. I guess some people are more susceptible. Nothing cured the issue forever, but here is what helped*:

• Emptying completely - especially when pumping. I used gentle massage to help with this. Or sometimes, I would gently press on one area until milk no longer flowed (yes you have to watch the nipple for this) and then move to another area and do the same.
• Lecithin supplements - I took these two times a day when it was really bad and continued to take them once daily as a preventative.
• Heating pads before nursing - Sometimes I would also use them throughout the day if the plugs were really bad. Other times heating without nursing made it (slightly) worse. I would experiment with it and see what works for you. I liked the NUK Warm or Cool Relief Pads. I can't say how many restaurants stuck them in their microwaves for me when we were on the go...
• Advil - not as a preventative, just when I had a plug. Check with your doctor about when/if it is safe to take this or any drug while pregnant or nursing.
• Though I never tried it, I read about ultrasound therapy helping with plugged ducts. It was difficult to find a place that did it, but if you are encountering plugged ducts, it might be worth a try. When I was in Colorado in the summer, I was trying to find a place that was familiar with it. I cannot vouch for them in any way because I never actually went there, but I did talk with Physiotherapy Associates (http://www.physiocorp.com). They sounded very familiar with the procedure, and they have offices in many parts of the U.S. I made an appointment, but then cancelled because the plugged duct was healed. When I cancelled, the therapist who would have done the procedure called me back to make sure I was okay and to make sure I knew how to resolve plugged ducts in the future. So kind!

* This is just my experience. Please check with your doctor or someone who actually went to school for this before moving forward with any option.

I am so thankful that I have been able to nurse Gavin. There were many trials, many sweet times (and as he grows, it just gets sweeter) and many funny situations, including...

Oh, the places I've pumped:

Standing up in the restroom at the United Way, where I often hosted meetings for my job. I did this many times before I learned that they have a small room that they would let me use...the power of asking.

Sitting in the comfy, though dimly lit, restroom at RDG (a restaurant), which had to be the best place. There was a sink, wicker chair, table in the "stall," or should I say, small room.

Gate C43 at the Denver International Airport.

In the car both moving and not moving, but not while driving, at least not that I remember.

In a restroom with motion sensitive lights. This was actually the second time I pumped away from home. Not remembering they were motion sensitive, I thought I was so lucky that no one came in while I was pumping in one of the stalls until, just as I was finishing, the lights went off. So, I was in the dark, trying to unhook the pump without spilling the precious milk. I dropped one lid on the ground and decided: it's time to try to activate the motion sensor, which is by the door, and of course, I'm in the furthest stall. I'm sure I looked ridiculous running out there half-dressed and waving my arms, but I did get the lights to come on. I did not spill the milk. I did not pump in that restroom again.

While on a conference call or two (Them: Do you hear a strange noise in the background? Me: Um, I'm not sure...)

In countless vacant offices or classrooms or conference rooms (including daily in my office, of course)

My final "place" is actually a nursing place, not a pumping place, but I have to share it anyway. On the fourth of July, I went to visit my sister for the first time after Gavin was born. She lives two hours away, so the trip required careful coordination in order to accommodate his feeding and napping schedule. Josh was in London for his PhD program, so I was going on my own. Everything was fine, until on the way home, we hit insane traffic. Like come-to-a-complete-stop-for-more-than-15-minutes-and-barely-moving-after-that traffic. When it was time to feed him, I was still an hour away from home. The one person I know well on that side of town wasn't home, so my mind was racing...what could I do? It was way too hot to feed him in the car. It was during that time in his life, where it was hit or miss whether he would nurse well or pull away because of the acid reflux, so I didn't want to take him to a noisy restaurant on the fourth of July. I began wondering if a hotel would let me nurse in a vacant room. I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask, and if not, I could always try the lobby if it was not too crowded and noisy. So I pulled up to a nice, new (and huge) Best Western -- hoping they would be friendly and down to earth. I explained my situation and made a brief but heartfelt plea. The wonderful person at the desk said yes! AND Gavin nursed well. I was so relieved. I asked the person who helped me what I could do, and she suggested a positive comment card mentioning her name, which I did happily. 

I knew I was forgetting something(s)

I guess I should have known an addendum to yesterday's post was inevitable since I was typing like the wind and hit "publish" after I should have been in bed. So here are more of the latest happenings and accomplishments going on at our place.

He is starting to say "Uh-oh." He is so funny because he seems to really concentrate when he says it, like he's trying to say it right.

He will grab onto any one of us or (try to) grab Millie, our dog and say, "Gah!" which means, "Got you!"

He loves putting lids on containers, and he's pretty good at it.

He goons for the camera (in our family, it was only a matter of time). And he LOVES looking at pictures and having me tell him who is who.

I mentioned him nuzzling us (which he did to the dog today), but he also gives real hugs when he wants to. I also mentioned him with his cousins in Colorado, but I forgot to mention the precious reunion of him with his cousins that live here in Texas. He sees them at least twice a week and went 14 days without seeing them while we were in Colorado. I'm not sure who was more excited: him, the three of them or me and their mom, who got to watch the whole thing.


In other news, I asked my first question on a (non-scary) mommy message board and had a very positive experience. Gavin and I are going with his little friend Lydia and her mom to try out Kindermusik next month. So excited! Also, he got his first trendy toy - a pillow pet - actually two, which somehow made me feel more like a real mom.

Well, after thirty minutes of laying in his crib, he's still talking, laughing and experimenting with his voice, so I'm thinking I better post this now.

Awwww...I've missed you, too

Just kidding (about the title). I'm sure that you've all been just fine without me, but I have missed blogging. And truthfully, I don't have time right now, but I'm compelled by Gavin's latest and greatest accomplishments and tricks, so...let's see how fast I can type and get back to dishes and vacuuming and...

For two weeks over Christmas, New Year's and Gavin's first birthday, we were in Colorado with Josh's family. All of his sibs were together for the first time in several years, and it was super fun. Before we left for Colorado, Gavin had just started pulling up and had done it maybe a dozen times, most of the time with some unnatural arrangement of furniture and toys on my part to create the perfect motivation and circumstance. After our stay in Colorado, he was pulling up like a champ, climbing stairs (on all fours), cruising a little, walking while holding our fingers...it was pretty amazing. We credit the family...of course...(because if we didn't they would credit themselves - ha ha), mostly Gavin's two four-year-old cousins, who--when they weren't adoring each other (they live far away from each other and us)--were very sweet and patient while Gavin adored them.

He also learned two throw up both arms when someone said, "Touchdown!" - usually Nana and Coach (Josh's mom and step-dad).

He saw chickens and cats at Bestefar and Bestemor's house (our new monikers for Josh's dad and step-mom--Norwegian for Grandpa and Grandma...they are such good sports).

He got his first haircut. He was a trooper as usual, but obviously much, much less than thrilled. He sat of Josh's lap and squirmed while the stylist clipped away. He held it together until she turned on the hair dryer to get rid of all the loose clippings. I forgot to say that he hates that...

Since we've been home, he learned the all-important (especially to mommy) find-the-pacifier-and-put-it-back-in-your-mouth-in-the-middle-of-the-night skill. Praise be to God - literally! He has also been going down for naps and bed like an angel (with the exception of a two-day protest of the second nap that hopefully ended today)!

Amazingly, he doesn't like to swing by himself on a swing set anymore, which used to be his favorite, but he will swing in our laps or on Grandma's porch swing.

His latest words are ball and Cheerios. I can't describe how cute it is when he says Cheerios. We have them every morning after nursing, and when it's time, I say, "Are you ready to go get some Cheerios?" And in a kind of whisper, he says some variation of "Skeeri" or "Keerios." I love it!

Also in the category of cute, he has started snuggling and nuzzling me, Josh, Aunt Andrea and his cousins -- occasionally others, too. He makes a "mmmm" sound when he does it, and after we melt, we nuzzle him back.

He is usually pretty good about obeying, but he did give me my first look of, "What if I smile and shake my little tooshie and look cute? Then can I crawl where you told me not to?" I had to look away not to crack up laughing.

We are down to just a morning and an evening nursing session, and I'm working on a girls-only post about the ups and downs of nursing.

Well, it's a guarantee that I am forgetting many little accomplishments and adorable habits, but I must get back to the chores that are calling me.